| WOW...time sure does fly by |
[Apr. 12th, 2009|01:39 pm] |
This almost freaks me out in a way - just looking back on how much i have grown up and changed in the last 5 years is scary. Maybe i have changed in a lot of good ways - but also some that aren't so good. When did everyone really start to hate me? Maybe everyone doesn't actually hate me - but no one really wants to hang out ever and i just keep finding myself wishing paige were here. clinging to people that probably wont ever live with me. People are just so weird out here. Adam has changed a lot too but I need to start being a different person. I shouldnt be afarid of being friends with guys and i should make an effort to hang out. i think jessie and kelly like me but maybe i'm wrong. how come our house isnt cool enough for other people to want to live here? How come Casey is so uptight? Why can't we have a fun household of people...like we should. we are fun sometimes arent we?
It also give me a sense of releif to know Danny's blog is still out there - since Noah Grey's is gone and he was the best ever. So sad. this is growing up I suppose.
Then I realize that in these last 5 years that I have changed so much I have been with Casey through all of it. Maybe this isn't good for us, but the more I meet people the more i really dont seem to have interest in them. Casey and I have it. We are those lucky people. And I want to marry him. Im getting old and if we are going to commit to eachother we might as well do it officially now. I guess it doesnt really matter at all though. I want to move and create a new life. Be a better, more fun person. And have Casey do it with me. We'll see what happens. |
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| Snow Snow and More Snow...FINALLY |
[Feb. 20th, 2007|04:16 pm] |
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We went up to loveland pass today to snowboard and as always it was fucking incredible. we got there around 9 and got home about 330. We found so many good pillow lines - and of course fresh snow. Saturday we got a foot or more and then we have been getting a couple inches a night so it stays pretty fresh. casey took some really badass pictures today - ill post them later on. I'm trying to find some cool people to hang out with so i invited people over from the dam to chill tonight. emily just turned 21 so she is going to hook up the keg tonight from there. i think i am going to die now....so later bitches. |
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| wow - its ben awhile |
[Feb. 13th, 2007|03:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | CO BABY! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Intersteller Love Affair | ] |
haha, i guess a year is quite awhile and a lot has certainly happened - but i should start recording this shit.
I live in Colorado. I live with Casey and Adam [who would have thought?] I dont snowboard quite enough, but if it ever snowed i would go more. i think i am on my 51st day of the season. we got tons and tons of snow in the beginning, but ever since the new year we havent gotten shit. VT is getting 24 inches tomorrow, and it is really about time for them since they havent had any really this year. I work at the Dam Brewery. Today I am waiting for this girl Kelsie to come by and give me a keg of raspberry porter. it is delicious. i hope jim filled it up for me today....im sick of waiting. casey and i also have a little gift from Ben [Adams Ben] that we are going to take tonight. None of our neighbors are that cool. These people Drew and Erin moved in from Indiana, and they are fun, but just not always the brightest people in the world. Tomorrow is Valentines Day, and Im hoping casey will get me flowers, but im sure he wont, which is OK...We are going out to dinner for sure though, once i get done with work and i am certainly looking foward to that. I think I sleep way too much since ive been out here, and i need to exercize more. i havent gained weight, but i just feel....FAT.....I could go swim at the rec center - but nah....i wanna drink some beer. ta ta for now. |
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| Shit went down... |
[Jun. 29th, 2005|09:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Dead | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 106.7 WIZN | ] |
**UPDATE** Casey and I are together!! (officially since Paige’s Solstice Party)
So last night was THE WORST night of the worst. Well that’s really not true because I might redo it again if I had the choice. Sure, I would. It is over now. Anyway, so Matt and I went up to Kiersten’s last night and there were a lot of drunken people there. Jason, Kyle, Tony, Casey, Jill, Megan, Rachel, Paige, Danielle, Dave, Cory, Becky, jess – anyway so I when I first got there kiersten was being quite rude to me she kept giving me these dirty look and shit, I was really nice to her anyway and then she decided to share her captain’s with me so I got drunk. I hadn’t drank in awhile and I decided to get trashed. I started talking to everyone, it was great I got to talk to people I haven’t seen around much, and I really talked to them. Then I was getting all pissed because Casey wasn’t talking to me much, and im always stupidly searching for him at parties, and he also wouldn’t touch me or do anything because kiersten was there. I went up the trail later on to pee and it was all loose dirt and I slid down the bank but I was wearing sandals and they were all filled with dirt and I lost one of them. Someone yelled to me and I thought it was Kyle – he came down and started helping me look for my sandal for a while and then I called him Kyle and it was actually Casey. He got all pissed and that just set me right off. I started crying and freaking out – I really don't know why but I couldn’t help it. Then Casey was hugging me and he’s like- Caitlin I love you a lot, I was ignoring you, blah blah…I’m like how come you wont tell kiersten we are together then?… Later matt came up and talked to me and we decided to stop looking for my sandal so we went up to the house and I was almost calmed down by now and everyone had passed out. I wanted to leave and go back to Casey’s so he went inside and matt and I waited outside on the bench – about 10 min later kiersten runs out of the house and let me tell you – I have never heard someone wail like this. Screaming. Crying. And it all echoed over the water at the reservoir. It made me start crying again. It is all my fault. I had been bugging Casey to tell her we were together – he should have before – but I guess she really really didn’t take it well. At least it is kind of over now . We got back to Casey’s and we had gone to bed it was like 430ish and we were talking and the phone rings. Kiersten. He wouldn’t talk to her he kept hanging up on her. She called again at 7 and she left like 4 msgs of her crying-just crying- on his phone. Jesus. They haven’t been a couple for almost a year and she fucked Lucas Shultz for god’s sake. I guess kiersten was like- oh I can see how it would be convient to fuck Caitlin because she is around all the time, and **a million bonus points to Casey** he is like no it isn’t like that, I care about her more than anyone. Wahoooooooooo :) |
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| OMG |
[May. 29th, 2005|10:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless | ] |
OK, as always it has been awhile, but hey whatever. I just cant figure out what to do with myself right now. Im at work and im so fucking jittery. I feel like i had 10 cups of coffee, and all i want to do is talk to casey. fuck. fuck. fuck. so last night we did e and it was so crazy. i first noticed i was fucked when i looked in the mirror, and my eyes, jesus, they were huge and black and i know what ms volk meant when she said you cant see the complete circle around someones eye unless they are on drugs, cuz my ees were huge. they sparkled too. then me and casey built a fire and we sat there, and my mind went fucking racing. when it hit us i felt like i wanted to tell casey everything all at once. we were talking overeachother nonstop, and i was like this is what its like to be in love. wow. it was fucking perfect. absolutly. he was fucking all over me, he said he couldnt stop touching me - he was licking my fingers and stuff while i talked a million miles a minute. then it calmed down and we chilled in the shop for a long long time. i dont even know what else to put here, there is so much that could be said. i think me and casey were both a little worried about the whole
"i think i'm in love with you,
but you're on it too,
so you say you love me too,
wake up in the mornin' and you're like what the fuck'd we do,
if i get caught cheetin then im stuck with you"
(i know, i know more eminem lyrics but they kept going over and over in my head, along with "Sometimes the average listener rewinds and plays me twenty times cuz I say so many rhymes, it may seem like I'm goin too fast cuz my mind is racing")
but its chill. i think we have it set right now, as far as i am concerned i am fucking happy! really happy and lucky.
so even though it was x and you arent ever supposed to be sad on it, i starteed to freak out about my unmotivation and my worhtless stonerness, and i cried and it was when my mind was fucking racing, but then im like, casey, its alright. and everything was fine. and it is, because no matter what i am an insanely lucky person. and god i really love casey. more than anyone else in the world right now. i do.
oh yeh, so kiersten called last night, she was home i guess and had a huge party for her brother, and em and jill and forrest and rachel all wnt too - casey blew her off, right off - and im glad. he says he wont ever touch her again. i hope so, but i beleive him now.
just excuse me now while i go run a fucking marathon.
haha, we also had many deep conversations about the sexes and had some very insightful ideas... |
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| Oops... |
[May. 17th, 2005|01:12 pm] |
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Grrrrrrrrrrreat. I just got home from caseys and this morning was well....interesting. We woke up and we're like oh, there is no one here cuz they went out to brunch, so ummmm some stuff was happening, and Steve - Casey's dad got back and just walked right in. To see us naked on top of eachother. My life just gets more and more fucked every day. That was pretty fuckin embarrassing.... |
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| You're Young // You Got A Lotta Drugs To Do // Girls To Screw // Parties To Crash |
[May. 15th, 2005|12:44 pm] |
Directions...start with 100% and subtract 5% for each thing you've done on the list...comment with your percentage.....
1. smoked`
2. drank`
3. done drug`
4. have fingered/been fingered`
5. given a handjob/gotten a handjob`
6. french kissed`
7. felt someone up/been felt up`
8. given a blowjob/gotten a blowjob`
9. licked out someone/been licked out`
10. had sex`
11. had a threesome
12. given or taken it in the butt`
13. made a sex tape`
14. done any sexual act on a school campus
15. peed on someone's lawn while drunk
16. had sex/messed around in your room while your parents were home`
17. had sex/messed around in a public place or somewhere where there was at least one person present`
18. gotten caught having a party
19. used sex toys`
20. snuck into someone's room/your own room after being out?`
Should I worry - I got 15% |
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| Another Sunday... |
[May. 15th, 2005|07:58 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
Another Sunday. Wahoo... I feel like everything is just going by so fast, but the days arent too exciting anyway - i mean i really dont have that much of an objection to it, but it seems like weeks are flying by now. i am dreading the day that kiersten returns. i dont know what is going to happen - matt thinks she wont come around when we are there - hes like shell come down here some night when shes all fucked up and fuck casey, and he also thinks there is not a chance casey would turn it down. this makes me sad. i talked to casey about this and he swears he isnt going to touch kiersten ever again.....well we will see, but i dont think im going to hold my breath or anything. it just sucks thats all. he makes me frustrated a lot anyway.
i got to hang out with tiffany a couple times this week which was awesome - i just hope she had a good time too. she is also crazy. shes going to europe for 2 weeks then ny for the summer then boston again. :(
what am i going to do here all day long? i am so bored and i feel sick. great start to the week. |
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| Wahoooooooo......... |
[May. 8th, 2005|02:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  high | ] |
Today is the best day in the world. I swear, even though it is sunday which i dont usually consider a day i work 10 hours and im hungover as shit. i bought eminem tickets. august 9th and matt is going with me. i am so ciked. it is going to be fucking amazing. wahooooo.....happy mothers day too. and tomorrow happy birthday to my dad. im high. i gotta go work. peace. |
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| I know I shouldn't have..... |
[May. 1st, 2005|08:35 am] |
Well I think I have fucked up again.
And I cant figure anything out. I think I have it figured out, and then I spaz out doing the opposite of what I thopught I wanted.
So I had sex with Casey last night. Which is BAD BAD BAD for a million reasons. Honestly it is probably bad that we sleep together all the time and cuddle because normal friends dont do that. It is bad that I am jealous of other girls because I wouldnt want to be with casey. I just want to be his best friend - and I am. So why do I try and fuck it up? I mean me and casey have history. A lot. He was my first real boyfriend, for 2 years. Then we didnt talk for maybe half a year and started hanging out again like a year and a half or 2 years ago. A year ago we started hooking up again. Then we were like no, this is dumb we arent in love with eachother, we need to just chill out - no sex. And it was working great, but last night Im not sure what happened, but it was probably more my fault then his - i was just wicked attracted to him, and he already had his shirt and belt off cuz we were sleeping so.....
The realtionship i have with casey isnt like anything anyone else seems to have, and i love it. it is fucking amazing actually, but im just scared of ruining it. i wish i wasnt such a nymphomanic sometimes. I shouldnt have sex with my friends.
Im a pushover. i cant even make rules for myself, that should be a rule; but instead i say 'shouldnt' because then i can change my mind. It just like how i should smoke less, or quit or do SOMETHING about it, but instead i just smoke more and more and forget about it.
I gotta figure some shit out soon. I just want love. Way too badly. |
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| Update of the week and weekend. |
[Apr. 28th, 2005|12:40 pm] |
Wow, there are so many things happening lately and it seems like everything is kinda coming to an end now. Or so i hope. Im done with school, as of last night - although i didnt do too good this semester, probly the worst i have ever done in my life actually because i hate school. with a passion. im so glad im done.
i got a 1,005.14 check in the mail, which was 70% of what the quote was to fix my car and bumper from back in january when i got hit by this asshole. anyway, my bumper is glued now, and i am tinting my windows this week hopefully. casey and i are smoking our taillights too, and i need to get my rim unbent, and my new struts put in which im doing this weekend, and to get my car aligned (for free!). then i wonder how much money i will have left. nothign basically. i also have to figue out what else is wrong with my car, i think its the rotars and brake pads on the back, and my steering is really loose. AHHHHHH. i wish my car was perfect so i could make it even better. dammit.
so matt finally has a job. he has been working for a temp agency filling different positions for jobs for a couple weeks now. i think hes gunna stick with it for awhile. he hasnt been hanging out at caseys much and he went 4 days without smoking weed. tuesday night i was at caseys and matt wouldnt come over, and miranda was there cuz she always invites herself there, and i didnt wanna deal with her, and i have been telling casey he has to tell her we dont like her. we have nothing in common with her at all, and its weird when we hang out. so i decided to go meet matt, and he didnt even wanna smoke. he told me all this crazy stuff he has been reading. hes weird. then he came o ver last night and smoked with casey and i.
i am too much of a stoner. i am worthless and everyone knows im a blatent stoner. i used to get away with it and now i dont. this girl in my class said i always look blazed. hrm. i need to reconsider i think, maybe im gunna buy some fake legal weed, cuz that wont get me high, but i can smoke it and enjoy it. i think i like smoking more than the high itself. geez.
so we went to a party on saturday night with paige, it was at the red fox cuz some girl from pa's mom owns it and no one was there. there were all these 14 yr old grils, who were trashed and retarded. i have never hated girls so much. ditsy ones especially. then there were ppl like aaron keenan who i hadnt seen in forever and i guess he is marrying krystal. EWWWW. anyway, then there were these like 24 yr olds, and paige knew em all. danielle came with me and so did her friend jess and we spent most of the night drinking and smoking in one of the rooms. casey was crazy, running around everywhere, and then this kid fucking snapped at him, and was like dont touch me, i dont like to be touched, blah, blahc (casey didnt even touch him) and he pulled a switchblade on casey. fucking shit. we were trashed. the kid said he didnt like caseys coat and he took it off and dropped it and was like this was my dads wedding coat! (cus it was) and then he held up his hands in peace signs. what an idiot. paige came over and cleared it up, but get this casey wanted to stay after. i wanted to leave, so me danielle and jess drove to danielles, and casey and matt and jason and mike all drove there too and we toook some bong hits and went to bed. THAT WAS TOO MUCH CRAZINESS FOR ME. |
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| Slow down everybody, you're movin' too fast... |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|08:08 am] |
ahhhh, there is so much i should and could be writing about. everything is insane. instead im going to just write about the most recent thing that caught me totally off guard - so last night im with matt and i come to work so i can get my check (so i could actually go get some shit from jason) and we had just smoked the last bowl i had in my car. i come in, and Kyle insists on finding my check for me, so he hands it to me, and says just a head's up, but you really smell like weed. kyle is my supervisor. i was fucking high as shit. im like
yeh, its saturday and i dont have anything to do. he's like you should watch out, you know you dont wanna get pulled over smelling like that. i didnt know what to say really. i mean we smoke at work so much. we go in the parking lot and come right back. we must always smell. all the time, and no one says a thing. its ridiculous. so then im just standing there being a retard and kyle's like dont worry about it, thats just why i wear cologne. haha. so he is chill. i figured he had to smoke. now the next step is to go blaze with him at work somenight. i love how everyone smokes. but wow, that definitely caught me off guard. |
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| this is funny cuz of my last post |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|10:34 pm] |
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so this guy called up, and at the end of me placing his order i processed it and asked if he wanted his order number. he;s like "oh, shit! i forgot, i have a different adress to ship it to" (which is no big deal, easy to change...)then he's like "youll have to excuse me, im having some vodkas, which im sure you dont do." and then apoligized a couple times too many. i think its funny, cuz i had several drinks before work today, and so yeh... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 14th, 2005|07:48 pm] |
Well I am at work right now, and I am going crazy. I’m reading the book More, Now and Again by Elizabeth Wurtzel. I think she is a really great writer…..even though she was fucked up for like her entire life, she did make it thru Harvard and a lot of shit I never could’ve. Its just a strange book to read. I really liked Prozac Nation, which was by her as well – and HBO made a great movie based on that book with Christina Ricci. Wow, I am just blabbing.
Anyway, this book makes me feel a little cracked out- its about her ridalin addiction and she snorts like 30 pills a day. That’s fucked up. I do love the feeling you get when you crush up a little pill, organize it into a line and snuff it up my nose. Granted I don’t do this anymore, and I hardly ever did it before, but I guess I know im messed up. I hate work, it is so boring, the hardest part is just sitting through the time im supposed to work. I really wanted cigarettes this morning on the way to school, so I went and bought a pack. Now there are 11 left. I hadn’t smoked in awhile. Oh well, I smoke when I feel like it anyway, so its not a big deal. I had a couple deliciously spiked drinks today too, and of course the usual few bowls, so right about now id have to say that I’m feeling pretty damn good.
All that’s on my mind though is my stupid crush on my stupid supervisor named Kyle, who is way out of my league. He’s such a fucking tease/flirt though, he’s calling up my extension like every 15 minutes, or else he just pops up behind me sneakily. I didn’t think he was going to work today, but I heard someone say he is coming in at 10, so ill get to see him for an hour. I am so stupid. I know. Last night he was like hey –“stop checking out my brother, you are way too young.” Oh yeah, he has a girlfriend too, so I should just forget it. Maybe I could be involved in some sexy office scandal though, I guess I can only dream for now….. |
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| -E- |
[Apr. 11th, 2005|11:55 pm] |
Im in class right now and all i can think about is how i wish i had e right now. i wanna do it with casey though, i think it would be one of the best trips eva, but i dont know if hell do it. last time he told me he wanted to, then he changed his mind at the last minute. i think i am going to call up kyle and see if he can get me some x or molly, or at least something a little bit interesting. i am bored as fuck, and sick of everything. all i wanna do is get chill with people!
"You just stood there, and I watched you swallow another one of them little x pills in front of me and tell me50 Cent was everything you wanna be"
"I'm having an E party for Easter please come..." |
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| Random Stuff..... |
[Apr. 7th, 2005|07:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
First of all doesnt anyone else think it is weird how when you are getting high and for about 5-10 min after (when you dont quite realize how high you are yet) that everything seems so fucking perfect. like you arent thinking about anything and then you notice little things. everything seems really surreal and certain things that dont matter stand out and everytrhing else just blurrrrs and goes on by. i find myself errily(sp?) calm. some nights im sitting in my car in the parking lot, and you dont even remeber you are like alive until some tiny little noise sounds really loud. snap back to reality.....up there goes gravity.....
.i think i especially like it when it is raining. i feel like i am the only one who exists and im safely inside.
Second of all i think im weird. haha. i know i am. i spend a lot of time thinking about other people. people who arent even my friends. people who arent my coworkers, or anything. people who arent even in my life. there are a couple people who i have always wanted to be like in certain ways, and i have become a person whom i like most of the time, or at least i can deal with me and am used to me. oooops i blab. so the point is, im driving down the road thinking about some random girl from school. i talked to her once. why would i be thinking of her out of everyone i know? then there are people whom i know, but i dont hang out with (not necessarily cuz i dont want to, but i havent yet...) i think about them, and i talk about them too. i mean is it really normal to tell other people about others whom you barely know? i wonder if people talk about me, i dont think they do. but i dont know. or maybe if people from high school whom i havent seen since think of me, or contemplate calling me? usually people talk about their friends and think of their friends. i do this too, but i just dont know. tell me what the fuck is normal? |
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| Shit.... |
[Apr. 5th, 2005|09:19 pm] |
Well, first of all, TUPAC IS STILL DEAD. (obviously). second, i am so busy. i dont think i have any time left for anything. every single day this week i am either doing a combo of work and school, or work, or school.....wahoo! at least ill finally have money though, and i totally need it cuz i just got new tires, and new struts which are about a total of 500 bucks, and i also paid 170 to get my rear wheel bearing fixed. I CANT WAIT TILL SCHOOL ENDS! I am going fucking crazy. All i want to do is relax and go swimming and get high. ahhhhh, summertime. there are so many good swimming spots to go to around here too, its like my favorite thing to do, and now that all the snow is gone all i can think of is summer.
i have to go buy a tape recorder. i ahve had so many good musings to write about, but i cant remember them. today in class my teacher was like on average people can hold 7 things in their short term memory. she comes over to me and startes listing numbers, wicked fast.....2676349474947260, then she is like list numbers that i mentioned (this is in front of my whole class...) and i couldnt think of a single one. not to make excuses but i kept repeatring them cuz i didnt know shed do so many then i just lost my thoughts. completly. oh well. a day in the life of caitlin. shitty as always.....
when i get a tape recorder ill post good posts. i promise. im loking on ebay right now for one actually. i promise.
ps. casey lost the top to my bathing suit and i am going to kill him. how could he lose it? i think someone stole it. miranda was gunna wear it one night and they couldnt find it anywhere, then last night i looked all over for it. only the bottom could be found. now i have to buy a new baithing suit, and i cant ever find any that fit. my ass is too small compared to my boobs. FUCK. |
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