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I know I shouldn't have..... [May. 1st, 2005|08:35 am]
Well I think I have fucked up again.

And I cant figure anything out. I think I have it figured out, and then I spaz out doing the opposite of what I thopught I wanted.

So I had sex with Casey last night. Which is BAD BAD BAD for a million reasons. Honestly it is probably bad that we sleep together all the time and cuddle because normal friends dont do that. It is bad that I am jealous of other girls because I wouldnt want to be with casey. I just want to be his best friend - and I am. So why do I try and fuck it up? I mean me and casey have history. A lot. He was my first real boyfriend, for 2 years. Then we didnt talk for maybe half a year and started hanging out again like a year and a half or 2 years ago. A year ago we started hooking up again. Then we were like no, this is dumb we arent in love with eachother, we need to just chill out - no sex. And it was working great, but last night Im not sure what happened, but it was probably more my fault then his - i was just wicked attracted to him, and he already had his shirt and belt off cuz we were sleeping so.....

The realtionship i have with casey isnt like anything anyone else seems to have, and i love it. it is fucking amazing actually, but im just scared of ruining it. i wish i wasnt such a nymphomanic sometimes. I shouldnt have sex with my friends.

Im a pushover. i cant even make rules for myself, that should be a rule; but instead i say 'shouldnt' because then i can change my mind. It just like how i should smoke less, or quit or do SOMETHING about it, but instead i just smoke more and more and forget about it.

I gotta figure some shit out soon. I just want love. Way too badly.